Do not visit overlong with a depressive. Be sensitive to their energy level and attention span.
One might ask, “Well, then, what is left that one can do for a person in depression?” A great deal. But one must know what and be confident in the Lord that we can “do all things through Him who strengthens me” Philemon 4:13.
We will continue to list what one should not do as we reveal what can be done.
Do not smile. Wipe the smile off your face. “Weep with those who weep.” We must enter where the other is before we can carry them out. We do not have to become what he is, but we must emphasize until they know what we know and that we can share what (s)he feels without judgment or blame. Smiles tell them that we are not where [s]he is and, more cogently, that we fail to commiserate and probably cannot and are, therefore, to be avoided. There are inner steel doors that, when shut, are not likely to open again for a while.
Do commiserate. Sit down and begin to share all the worst things. “I know how you feel. Every morning, the sky is black. Every decision is too much. You can’t make yourself do the little things you used to do easily. You hate everything so easily and then hate yourself for hating them. And nobody understands.
They say, “Cheer up and try to make you feel better, and you can’t. You know tomorrow isn’t going to be any better. You’ve tried everything, and nothing works.”
By now, the depressive will be sitting in the palm of your hand. [S]he knows you are not in depression because [s]he can see it. And [s]he can see it. And [s]he believes you have been there because you understand and aren’t saying and doing all the foolish things everyone else has tried in them. At least some of his loneliness is eased. You aren’t likely to reject them by being stupidly unaware of where [s]he is. And since you are obviously out of depression, the tiniest glimmer of hope may, for the first time, enter their mind.
Do not minister to a depressive in a group or even two by two. If more than one ministers, let one sit in front, holding whatever attention is required, and let others sit behind the counsel, present but out of demanding consciousness.
The Lord sent them out two by two, Luke 10:1. Ecclesiastes 4:9-10 says two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. Normal people are best helped by many. But in the abundance of counselors, there is victory, Proverbs 11:14. The Presence of many avoids confusing romantic notions; it avoids latching onto one person as a healer rather than the Lord. But the depressive cannot stand the freight of too many people’s unconscious demand for response simply by being visibly present. If more than one ministers to a depressed person, they should try to arrange things so that assistants are comfortably out of range. Depressives can only handle one, and that is usually for a short time.
Do not close the door in a counseling or ministry office or find some enclosed private place to speak of intimate matters, which is comforting and assuring to normal persons. It says you respect their need for confidentiality. But to a depressive, it may spell entrapment. He may need to feel that he can get out if he needs to flee. Your leaving the door open says you will respect that. And it also tells him you do not intend to put him through a spate of internal searches he can’t now stand. That open door is a mark of your sensitivity to him. It relaxes him.
Do not say, “You can get out of depression,” or “I can tell you how to get out of your depression.” That is the surest way to blow the whole mission and shut the doors. Their healing must rest squarely and solely on your shoulders. A depressive is emotionally paralyzed. When the four men let down the paralyzed man in front of Jesus, he looked up and, seeing their faith, said to the man, Rise … Luke 5:17-26. A depressed person will be resurrected from the pit by the rope of your faith, not at all his, and from the beginning, he and you must be assured of that.
Do not expect the depressive to come to you. If the miracle has not already happened, (s)he won’t. To get dressed to go somewhere is too much, let alone the fear of failure. Rather, you go to them. If you don’t already know, say, “Where do you live? I’ll come and get you.” Normal people want to be given some latitude and privacy so they feel free to keep an appointment. Depressives must have the assurance that you will take full responsibility for coming after them and that you want to. They may say, “Oh, don’t put yourself out for me,” but do not believe them. Put yourself on the line for them.
Make sure to keep an appointment. That is imperative; if grandmother dies, bury her next week. That depressive’s life now hangs on your dependability. If you fail to show up, no matter how valid the reason, nor how reasonably your mind says, “I understand, it couldn’t be helped,” their heart will conclude, “I knew it. It isn’t going to work. I’m disappointed and rejected again, as I deserve to be.”
In your prayer, do not hand the person over to God. Never release people who have been depressed too soon into God’s hand alone. You must carry them even as St. Paul wrote in Galatians 4:19, “with whom I am again in labor until Christ is formed in you.” Note the “again.” Do not give up. Persevere. Resurrecting the other may take a long time.
Do not enlist the prayer help of the wailers. We do not need moaners and groaners whose psychic energies may afflict the counsel—draft prayer warriors who are bright, positive, and happy.
Do not overlook simple, practical matters as a depressive begins to come out of it. “Oh, you have a new hairdo.” “You look better today.” Body language, dress, sparkles in the eyes, and many things will be clues as the other begins to resurrect. We can help that process of re-entry in two ways. One must notice, affirm, and compliment when a tiny practical step has been taken. “You’re wearing a shirt, tie, and a nice suit again.”
Healing The Wounded Spirit
John & Paula Sandford
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